


The Art of Disappearance

by alseT



Series: Author's favourite [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017)
Genre: Childhood Trauma, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), actually so damn proud that I wrote this, author has no regrets, not exactly a Rey character study, of Ben's, summary sometimes can be deceptive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 09:37:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13143942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alseT/pseuds/alseT
Summary: One month of no sign or whatsoever of Kylo Ren, Rey decided to find him alongside with saving the resistance from the First order, building a lightsaber , bringing peace to the galaxy and plenty other things,And finding him wouldn't be that hard. They always had a way to find each other, with or without a bond.The question is though, She would find him andthen what?





	The Art of Disappearance

 

One month.

Thirty one if put it in days. 

This must be the longest disconnection so far, but somehow it was anything but comforting.

Of corse it was good to stop the endless awkward confrontation of why and why not, but they'd been long beyond that now. So many years of solitude, whether it’s wrong or not, Rey liked to have someone around her, not all the time, but most of the time. And even without reading his mind, she knew he was the same. The loneliness that radiating from his whole dark being was unbearable, but maybe when most people encounter him, they were more overwhelmed by their own fear to even notice it. Rey didn’t. Kindred spirts would always recognise each other.

They were counterpart, after all.

So, one month of no sign or whatsoever of Kylo Ren, his force, his hatred, his pain.

 

_nothing._

 

*

Rey almost thought he had found a way to cut their force bond, but it was proven impossible by most people. _Well,_ Rey, thought, _he just like to be proven not to be most people._ There's bitterness in her equally chaotic mind, so she occupied herself with the repair and little adjustment of millennium Falcon. For all the time she spent with the ship, it’s the most close thing of a friend to her now. They wouldn't even argue. Though from time to time, she would get a little burn on her finger for her carelessness, but even that pain was gentle. ( it actually was not, but she got tougher hands.)

  
_She’s always searching._ She wondered aimlessly. The endless tinkering was a soothing sound _. First, her parents, her food, the resistance, Luke Skywalker, her place in the whole lot universe, **now as her mission went —**_

 

*

If she could call it a mission, they had been hesitated to appoint her anything, for she was like the last card in resistance’s hand, she’s still not used to be considered as a secret weapon , someone of such value. The whole thing’s surreal. One minute she was in nowhere being no one, and no one would give a damn if she couldn't find anything to eat and starve to death today or tomorrow. Then she’s the only hope they have to contend with the now supreme leader.

Like she hadn't had enough self struggling of knowing nothing and everything, being nothing and everything already. They were all expecting, someday when she realised this, she suddenly found breathing difficult. Compared to the sandstorm on Jakku though,It’s a different kind of suffocating. When in Jakku, she had learnt to recognise it before it forms, and she would be safe to stay in her hut with doors closed. Now, she couldn't run away.

Good thing she always faced everything stubbornly, even if she’s scared. Was she? She wouldn't know. For a time she thought she was always scared, but being scared was useless if she want to survive, she had learnt to push it aside. She’s got purpose, she had to survive.

  
What’s the hardest at the moment, if once she had known the feeling of having friends and then went back to all alone , again. But it’s for the best, she had to go alone. Millennium Falcon would no doubt draw attention, but it’s the only ship they could spare so far, then there’s no use escorting her, for once she’s a target, others would just sacrifice themselves in vain. She could escape on her own just fine, however, the resistance couldn't afford to lose more people. Even if there’s always unexpected hope at the last moment, they had to make it to the last moment, or else it would just be, nothing.

Luke was gone. Their brief interaction was nowhere near pleasant. Their matching stubbornness had annoyed each other just equally. But there was always an understanding. She would like to know him before everything happened. she wondered if the famous Luke Skywalker had been no one, at all, like her. Maybe then when he was more open and carefree, they could've been good friends, or he would've been a great teacher, but no, someone’s just not made for teaching. Under different circumstance, who knew, maybe she would never need a teacher. And now, it just left for her to miss him forever.

Though, there was from time to time, a glimpse of something, Kylo had called it force ghost, but it’s just a glimpse, a flimsy shadow so she’s not so sure. She still didn't get anyone to teach her about force after all. But as time went on, Kylo felt like one, better not let him know though.

Not alone, she reminded herself, Chewbakka was sleeping at his usual place on the ship that was his and Han’s for more than thirty years, for she’s still needing a co-pilot and Leia had insisted for her to take at lest one who’s familiar with the ship. For a second she almost felt that General herself want to go with her. The ship had meant so much for her too. There were three, now only the one left. Rey marvelled at Leia’s endless strength, to run the resistance, to keep faith, to carry on. She stood with a living legend. The awe Rey felt was enough to make her do anything. Maybe Rey was the hope they worshiped everywhere, but without Leia, she doubt people even had mind to worship anyone. But once she had got a new fighter —if she had the luck and the budget was enough —but mostly she would just get a small ship, Chewbakka would go back to the base alone. She worried about him, but worry could do no good for anyone. After that, she would truly be alone.

No droids, no force bond, nothing, the universe would once again be Jakku, some place she had been so desperate to escape.

 

*  
Kylo, or Ben had, over the months as their force bond thicken, shared more than one of his memories of his past with her, in dreams mostly, that’s the only place he usually didn't have any control in. They were not all the truth, some of it had been twisted. She couldn't have know for she wasn't there to know, but the twist feeling of some dark existence, made her sick. They were usually started fine, then turned into ugly nightmares, but the vile was unstable, for Snoke was dead, and his lingering power was dissolving. But still the Ben she knew who had been taunted, tormented by these for years would still not be capable of seeing through it. He was, even he didn't realise or want to acknowledge it now, defenceless. There was no shame in that, but he stubbornly never wanted to face it. She wondered from time to time that where exactly did his distorted faith coming from if he couldn't even want to face himself. The endless chaos, so like hers, only hers never threatened to drown her.

  
The first time she encountered one was because of it. Kylo was finally asleep after days of exhaustion, then there was this nightmare of his parents arguing, he was no more than ten at that time and he felt helpless, desperate, and he screamed for help, which he probably didn't mean to but still dragged her along. She was baffled at first for several minutes, then she realised she must still on her bed, and this was a dream, and this was his dream. And he’s screaming. Doesn't matter how she knew, maybe it’s this weightless feeling, or maybe it’s just in her that made she feel, it’s almost like when she’d first hold Anakin’s lightsaber.

“What the hell? ” She shouted, and dodged when she nearly got cut with a lightsaber, it was happening all in a blur so she couldn't even see who’s holding it. However when she turned around she found a little child, no more than ten, with great black hair she would recognise anywhere.

“Ben?” She whispered uncertainly. The boy in question was screaming at the top of his lungs at such a volume that she felt her own chest burn. His eyes were tightly shut with his hands covering them. “ Ben.” She said, louder this time, “ open your eyes, it’s a dream, just _open your eyes_.” But he wouldn't listen, or he probably couldn't hear her, she's afraid for a second, what could she do if he couldn't hear her? She had no idea how this whole thing was working.

In a panic, she just grabbed his wrist. It's so tiny and it felt so wrong. Nothing about Kylo was tiny and the difference unsettles her. But she could touch him, this was good. She had to drag him at first, then he started running with her which had made it easier when the blow of lightsaber coming almost everywhere that made it hard to run away. And faintly she even felt his hand tightened a little around her, like he recognised her. His hand was soft, but this was just a dream, it can be deceiving.

Only when they had gotten to somewhere bright and safe and feeling right did she dare to think of the ridiculousness of the whole scene, and then it hit her with the man holding lightsaber. Once she realised who he was, she couldn't stop her hysterically laughing, she even doubled over by the force of her laughter while Kylo Ren, who one minute ago was still the innocent scared little Ben Sole, sitting and gasping on the soft grass. He looked at her as if she was insane, and it took her a lot effort to stop laughing and put things into words.

“ You know Han was nowhere force sensitive, right? ” She asked almost breathlessly.

  
“Does it matter? ” He huffed indignantly. “Will you stop laughing?”

“Well, you know what my parents were like so you know I don't know a thing about the healthy relationship between parents and kids right? But i know Leia and Han , those monsters in your dream? They are not who you think they are.”

“They are not perfect, maybe that’s their true self underneath their hypocritical exterior, you don't know that. I really don't want to discuss with you about my parent in my dream ”

“Maybe it's true that I  don't know about them, but call it instincts when it come to truth and false.”  
  
“You still believe in there’s a line between good and evil?” He snorted.

“Are we going to do this now? Fighting over something that doesn't have an answer in a dream? what I was trying to say is, well, how can you never notice such absurd plot, and hate to tell you it feels like Snoke’s doing.”

“He's dead.” Kylo stated dully . Rey just rolled her eyes and gestured vaguely ‘ here you go’ at him . He frowned.“You may not notice that we are not exactly reasonable in our dreams and at times it felt more real than anything. Anyway Han Solo didn't scare me I don't care if he's holding a lightsaber or nothing at all.”

 _Or maybe holding Snoke_ , she thought, containing the urge to laugh. _imagine holding one of his enormous feet like a ballon_ , and that thought apparently passed on, they shared  a knowing smirk, though the thought turned a little sad when she remembered Han had dead, but now it's not the time to bring it up anymore.

“Then why did you scream? Didn't you think he was going to kill you?”

“No,” he was taken back, almost confused for her to ask such a question, like the answer was obvious, which was not.

  
“Their words cut deeper, they always argue, I just didn't want to hear anything. “

What he said actually hurt. It shouldn’t. For better or for worse he had something she desperately wanted and he threw it away like it meant nothing, but the way he’s saying it, the emotions underneath it making her feel like they were the same, growing without love, not knowing if anyone cares about them. The same thinking that haunted her countless nights that she wouldn't be able to sleep. She wanted to hug him, but there’s something better she wanted to do.

  
“You know what, why don't we go back to it? Not like I got better things to do at the moment.”

she turned to look at Kylo, made a considerably bold move for her part and actually beamed without a care in the world. He looked at her and like every other time he opened his mouth to say no, there’s nothing you can do. but he forgot this was nothing but a dream, so he said what he had always been wanted to say.

He said, _yes._

  
When he was not screaming and actually didn't feel so threatened with her company, everything was a lot easier for her to revise. It came to her more like an instinct. She knew how to do it like holding a lightsaber. It's more like drawing, her touch had the colour of light, the first ray of the sun. They painted it together and everything became more clear after that.

They finally found that Leia and Han was arguing, but no one hold any lightsaber, it was almost nothing different with the parents arguing she had over heard when she was in the market in Jakku, they could always find disagreement in little things, they argue, but in a way there’s love in it. She figured Kylo would never look at it her way, and she was very much biased by how much she adored Leia and Han. But it was just a regular argument about force, not even towards him, nothing special, at the end Leia even came over to kiss him on his forehead. Both Leia and Han’s face showed weariness. But they loved him, it was clear. She turned to look at Ben, not at all surprised finding him trying to hold back his tears for she was trying to do the same. He was disappointed and upset and angry. But still a lot more peace than before. She considered this as a small victory.

They never really discussed what had happened in dream, but the changes were there when they were awake.

 

 

 *

 **— now as her mission went,** she’s going to build herself another lightsaber. She figured it wouldn't hurt if she’s to find Kylo Ren along the way. For she had found that whenever she wanted to seek an answer, there were just be millions more questions appearing. And it wouldn't be that hard. They always had a way to find each other, with or without a bond.

Who knows if he’s formed a new plan to wipe resistance out, or found some reckless way to cut their bond once for all. Or, maybe he was in some trap, being captured, tortured, even worse, dying without anyone to rescue him.she’d better stop now for that thought could go on forever. Though it was very unlikely, for he had been all himself against world and turned out just fine, and he’s anything but weak. Still, he owes her plenty of explanations. And she’d like to stop this distracting worrying for him. The last time she had heard from him though there was a small part of his mind that he’s been trying to suppress and hiding from her. He's not exactly the material for leadership and now he had to face the consequences, and it’s eating him alive.

There were more than one evil existence of Seth lord that lurking in the darkness waiting for the opportunity to take over the first order. Kylo Ren was not exactly what they would find intimidating if they really pay attention to. Wether he liked it or not, he would need an alley. No doubt he wouldn't find it in first order, so it just left her. He can't say no any longer, not this time.

  
Most importantly, she just realised that she needed him as much as he needed her. As victims that had been thrown in to this madness, no one would understand them as well as one another. Finn? sure, her best friend so far, Poe? It would be great if she had more time to know him. But Ben Solo, or Kylo Ren, whatever he was called, they would be nothing like him. They were not even comparable to start with. There’s something, definitely not Snoke that had bended them together, and she’d like to figure it out at some point in the future, but now she just had to find him.

 

 

*

She would find him and then what?

While polishing the surface of the console , she had it figured out.

she would find him and end all these non sense for she might be peace bringer but the universe had to figure out the way itself. It's not for her to make decisions of how to move on after the destructions. It would be hard, but they would eventually move on, like the people after all the wars.

She would find him and then she would find a way to disappear,

 

  
_with him_.

**Author's Note:**

> I would call this my vague character study, but then there’s some plot and while the main character was Rey others had made their notable appearance at background. And seriously i am considering this as a start of a multi chapter thing. i mean i got to explain where did he exactly disappeared to and the silence of Force bond and stuff. Luckily I've got some ideas so far. Sooo—. See you soon ? 
> 
> P.S. : and I watched TLJ three days ago and actually I love the scene where Rey used Kylo's lightsaber and he didn't even blink an eye so much that it kept repeating in my head, I wanted to write something about that too, but it surprised me that I didn't write anything about lightsaber in this. 
> 
> also no beta. should've said it at the beginning, but. all in all hope you enjoyed it. and maybe tell me how you think about it, I'd like to hear from you.


End file.
